Think back to when you were small, and try to remember a time when you felt nobody was listening to you. How did it feel? Young children are still learning how to name their feelings, and it can be extremely frustrating to be overwhelmed by a big emotion and at the same time sense that the adults in your life don’t get it at all. For adults, it is exasperating to get into battles with your child right and left.
the arctic hare and the polar bear, from Creative Thursday
When conflict is imminent, your secret weapon is empathy: say something that lets your child know you understand what they are feeling and what they are trying to do, and the power struggle will dissolve
Let’s look at a few examples of how this works:
1.You are getting ready to go to grocery shopping, so you ask your daughter to finish her puzzle & put on her pants…
Marcie: throws down the pants you asked her to put on and glares at you, arms crossed
Mama: Looks like you’re mad at me! It’s okay if you’re mad. You can say “I’m mad, Mama! I’m mad you won’t let me finish my puzzle!”
2.Your two children are fighting over a firetruck. Sam has just tried to take it from Will, and now Will is holding on with one hand and looks like he is about to hit Sam with the other…
Mama: you put yourself between the two boys, placing a hand on the firetruck in question. You say: It looks like you both really want to play with the firetruck right now. And Will, I can see that you are really mad at Sam for trying to take it from you. Will, you can tell Sam “I’m FURIOUS with you!”
While I realize this will not solve problems completely, it usually does defuse a power struggle enough that you can talk things over calmly.
Related posts:
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I completely agree with the need to look at every show of disrespect/act of disobedience by one’s child from the child’s point of view before reacting. My children are now grown, but I remember several horrible occasions when I found out too late that I had trivialized and ignored a problem one of my children had that was of major importance to him or her, and just focused on the behavior I didn’t like.
#2 applies to Diego so much right now. Thanks for the tip!
We do this with Jesse (our 4 year old boy) daily and it works wonders. Keep the positive reinforcement coming Laura!