I would like to welcome you to a new series here at Global Mama: Jedi Mind Tricks for Parents. The goal of this series is to demystify some of the most misunderstood, and most powerful, tools to have in your arsenal as a parent or caregiver.
You’ve probably heard the terms “Pick Your Battles”, “Give Choices”, and “Positive Reinforcement” batted around a lot, but it’s likely that no one has had the time to sit down and really explain what they mean or how to use these strategies effectively. Over the next several weeks we will be breaking down these terms (as well as a few you may not have heard before) step-by-step and looking at specific examples of each strategy in action. At the end of each post, I encourage you to ask questions and share your thoughts in the comments section. In this first installment, we will look at what it really means to pick your battles.
“We Are Fighting” from Cordial Kitten
In your child’s eyes, you control the whole world.
When it comes down to it, kids have no control over anything in their lives. And while you may sometimes feel that you have no control over anything either, in your child’s eyes, you control the whole world: What they wear, what they eat and when they eat it, where they go, when they go to bed, who they spend time with, etc. If your job moved you to a different state or country, the decision to go would be up to you, not your child. Typically, when children are battling you over every little decision throughout the day, it’s because they feel a need to control something in their life. They want to feel like they have some power, and it’s up to you as the adult to decide what power you give them – too much, however, and and they will feel out of control. Children still want to feel that overall, you are in control of the situation, because it makes them feel safe. And that’s what Picking Your Battles is all about: Giving your child a little more power in a way that feels comfortable to you.
Picking your battles is also extremely relevant to teens: if a three year old child has the need to control their own life in certain ways, imagine how your teenager must feel! It is exhausting to everyone involved to fight over every little thing, and you don’t have to. If you have a teenager in the house, I want you to go through this process as well.
Okay, let’s walk through the three basic steps to picking your battles, and then we will look at a few examples.
- First, think about the issues you tend to get into power struggles with your child about: What they wear? Holding hands when you cross the street? Eating? Putting away toys? Changing their diaper? Getting in the car seat? If you have a teen, do you fight about her friends? Homework? Cleaning her room? Going out at night? All of the above? List every one.
“Storming Off” from Tummy Mountain
- Second, look over your list and prioritize. Real safety issues should be nonnegotiable, but could you cut a little slack on some of the other things? The key is to do this thoughtfully, when you are feeling calm. If you make these decisions at random (when you are upset), it creates inconsistency and will not be helpful to you.
- Once you’ve made your decisions, stick to them no matter what. This is the most important, and the hardest part. Listening to your child cry/scream/kick the floor/whatever their deal is – is a terrible feeling, I know! But when you let your child get to that point and then you give in, the next time you try to stick to your guns it will be even worse! And on the other hand, if you promised that you are going to cut your child some slack on what they choose to wear, for instance, don’t go back on your word and start trying to control this area again.
Example 1: Jen, 3 1/2 Years Old
Jen had been throwing full-fledged, down-on-the-floor-kicking-and-screaming tantrums at a rate of about 20 a day for the past several months. It seemed like anything would set her off. She can’t open her lunch container? Tantrum. She can’t have the red crayon right now? Tantrum. I folded her paper the wrong way? Tantrum. You get the idea. Jen was feeling and acting out of control, and the tantrums were happening at school as well as at home (and in the grocery store, in the car, on the sidewalk, etc.). It was time to Pick Our Battles.
At school, we decided that Jen’s need to do things the right way was something we could cut her some slack on. If she was dissatisfied with the way she had done a project, we would give her another one. Yes, at times it felt a little wasteful, but that was a sacrifice we were willing to make. All of us – parents and teachers – made a concerted effort to allow Jen more room to do things herself without interference. Safety issues (holding a grownup’s hand while crossing the street, getting buckled into that car seat) were nonnegotiable.
In just a few weeks of sticking to our guns on these safety issues, while at the same time cutting her slack on everything else, Jen was having far fewer and less intense tantrums. She also became potty trained, which is something she had been resisting. As Jen spent more and more time not throwing tantrums, she began to have more positive experiences with her friends in the class, which in turn, led to even fewer tantrums. Jen’s tantrums did not disappear entirely, but they did become quite rare and manageable.
Example 2: Martin, 16 Years Old
Martin is a good student, but he was fighting with his parents all the time. Every little thing either of his parents said was met with a scoff or a roll of the eyes at the least. Often, it escalated into screaming matches, slammed doors, and running out of the house. His parents wanted to have a say in every aspect of his life, and he wanted nothing to do with them. In this case, Martin was not having any issues at school, so his parents needed to Pick Their Battles.
Martin’s parents agreed on a handful of things that they could relinquish control of: sitting down to breakfast, wearing rock tees to school, and checking his homework each night (as long as he was doing well in school). They also agreed that he could let his room get as messy as he wanted, but he would have to clean it himself once a month. In exchange, they were not going to back down about wanting him at the dinner table every night for dinner and one day every weekend.
It took some time for the new way his parents were treating him to sink in, but eventually Martin’s behavior relaxed as he assumed more control of his life. His parents enjoyed more positive interactions with Martin, which then made it easier for them to trust him to do things on his own.
“New Friends” from Poor Dog Farm
What has been your experience with “picking your battles”? What are fights with your kids (or parents!) typically about, and how do you handle it? Add your thoughts in the comments section.
Coming up next time…
Jedi Mind Tricks for Parents: Giving Choices
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