When your children are young, all they want is you. And let’s be honest: It feels good to be openly needed and wanted. Then one day you realize your sweet, dependent child has grown into a teenager, and it feels like a brick wall has been erected between you. Suddenly it seems that you are not wanted or needed anymore; but this couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s a bit like the difference between puppies and cats: Just as a puppy runs up to you, clobbering you and licking your face to welcome you home, young children are very open and generous with their emotions. Teenagers are more like cats: They still care, they are still attached, and they appreciate what you do for them, but they have become more reserved and careful in their displays of affection.
Face Your Fears
Many problems that arise between parents and their teenage children stem from a few common fears. Let’s see if any of these sound familiar to you:
- I’m afraid she’ll be just like me when I was a teenager.
- I’m afraid she’s going to get into trouble, just like her sister.
- I don’t want him to be a teenager because that means he’s growing up; I’m afraid he’s leaving me.
- All I ever hear in the news are horror stories about teens; I’m afraid something bad is going to happen.
Unfortunately, when we are acting out of fear, we don’t always make the best decisions! Let’s look at a few ways you can begin to build a healthier, more trusting relationship with your teenager.
You Get What You Give
Just as in any relationship, if you want to gain your teen’s trust and respect, you need to be willing to reciprocate. Imagine if you were in a relationship with someone who snooped through your photos, read your email, and made wild accusations of things you didn’t do. Would you trust them? Would you even stick around? If you have a real concern about your teen, ask them about it directly. Always provide an opportunity for open communication before you leap to conclusions. If you are having ongoing, serious problems with your teen, be up front with them. You can say “I am going to look through your room every day because I need to keep you safe.” However, as Rabbi Shmuley of Shalom in the Home put it,
Unless there is a major red flag of risky behavior, you should avoid going through your teen’s bedroom and snooping through her possessions. “It builds resentment on the part of the child—they feel like you’re looking for something, and that they don’t even have any privacy in their own bedroom,”
Walk A Mile In Her Shoes
If you are having trouble overcoming your fears as a parent and seeing things from your child’s perspective, try this exercise:
- Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
- Think back to when you were your child’s age, and try to recall a particularly horrible day.
- Vividly imagine that day. What were you wearing? How comfortable or uncomfortable did you feel in your own body? What did your home look like? Who were you having trouble with? Let the emotions you were feeling that day wash over you.
- If you like, write down as many details as you can remember about this day or event.
- Now, imagine how you would like to have been treated differently. What could your mom/dad/teacher/friend have said or done that would have made you feel better?
Reminding ourselves of what it really felt like to be a teenager can build understanding and empathy, and lead to a more trusting relationship. And remember, you are the adult! If your teen comes home in a grumpy, sulky mood, it’s your responsibilty to rise above. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself it’s tough to be a teen.
A Sanctuary for Dreaming
Allowing your teen to have the sacred privacy of her bedroom is an amazing gift. I have such fond memories of whiling away the hours in my bedroom, listening to music, reading, taping up pictures on my wall, writing in my journal, eating snacks, etc. With so many pressures and challenges facing teens, their bedroom is often the only place they feel completely free to express themselves, and just be who they are with no explanation needed. Teenagers are working hard at creating their identity, finding their moral compass, and learning how to take responsibility. They need to be allowed some safe, off-limits places like a journal, a diary, a bedroom. It’s in those places that they are learning about who they are.
All photographs in this article © the very talented Tiger Lily, who also authors The Unicorn Diaries
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